Memoirs of the Lonely Composer
by iamintrigued
Summary: First attempt at fanfiction. These are Edward's Journal entries from 1918 when he became a Vampire until Now or as far as I get . Please give me reviews. I am on Chapter 4 and don't want to continue unless it is good enough for an audience.
1. Chapter 1: The Muse

Memoirs of the Lonely Composer: Journals Entries of Edward Cullen's

Note from the author:

_This story is a work in progress. I had several of these visions before I started writing, so I guess I will be starting at one and updating from time to time. I dream in color, so my dreams are vivid, so I can remember all my dreams. Who knows how long this can get. But, hear goes. (My first attempt at putting my visions down on paper)_

Preface

I have often wondered why I was chosen to be tormented day after day, night after night to live eternally alone with these thoughts, vivid thoughts of the love that I can never have. I must have done something really wrong in a former life, but yet I am damned to hell daily, and not only just with eternal yearning for love but also left to hear not only my tortured mind but all those around me as well. I cannot sleep so the thoughts are never ending; so much that I sometimes wonder if Carlisle didn't really kill me that night and I am trapped in my own personal hell. No, that's right I can't sleep but I can still dream, go figure more pain for my broken and battered soul.

Chapter 1: The Muse

December 24, 1918

Yeah!!! (Christmas Eve.) Mother, I miss you and love you, Merry Christmas. I know you wanted me to be saved but I have to assume you didn't know what you were asking at the time. You wanted me saved, but to never see your face again in heaven that just can't be how you pictured it. Anyway, I am now trapped, damned to hell, no hope of an eternity in heaven. My soul is lost and you are farther away than you could have gone on Earth. Carlisle is a great man; don't get me wrong; he has more morals as a vampire than I had as a human. The soldier in me wanted to fight this fate. But, it was no use. So, I have learned to endure. I tried the hard life (or easy life which ever you want to call it) but I couldn't live with the regret, the shame, and the visions that swam around in my head of the victims begging for their lives or the blood on my face when I was finished looking at the red eyes staring back at me in the mirror. I had to run back to my Father, My Creator; I had to learn how to have some form of existence that didn't haunt me every second of every day. I am still searching. But, I can at least now turn my thirst away from human flesh and be seen among the living without dining on their unique and quenching blood. Carlisle says I am a work in progress and he tries to consol me to no avail. I would commit suicide but how and why because hell is suppose to the greatest pain imaginable; and I am already there.

January 1, 1919

Happy New Year. Yeah right. What's happy about it? I am here trapped inside myself with so many needs that are unattainable. I cannot find a place where the pain is not so strong that it over comes every nerve in my body. I do not even find solace in composing any longer. I haven't touched the piano in months. I am too overwhelmed by all the thoughts surrounding me. Not my thoughts, but everyone else's for miles around. It is like a huge bubble with conversations to choose from everywhere. Yes, people may not often talk but their minds never shut up. This gift (as Carlisle calls it-I call it a curse) is too much for my humble mind to control. I hear so many thoughts that I cannot distinguish between them. Carlisle says I need to work on channeling them apart and separating them into something useful. He feels that I should embrace this curse and use it to benefit us. I have to agree that if I could control it; finding people who thought us monsters or had plans to kills us would be much beneficial. I guess this is something I will have to work on at some better point in time.

February 12, 1919

I find myself becoming much better equipped to handle the gift I have been given. Yeah, I know, I sound like I actually like this new found power. But, that's not the case. It has just come in handy for the first time in many months. Yesterday, I actually hear a faint thought of a young woman who had recently lost her child. She felt much like me with no will to continue so she jumped off a cliff. This enabled me to let Carlisle save her, though, I am not sure I was doing her any favors. I meant for Carlisle to save her life not doomed her to eternal death. But, he felt no power against the yearning to have her by his side for the rest of eternity. She is in so much pain, as is he, I cannot stand to see this, so I have taken my leave for a while.

March 13, 1919

I have returned to my family at last. Carlisle was so happy to see me again. And, to my surprise his new bride was happy to be by his side. She looked so beautiful, so content, so at peace. How? How could she feel this at ease when she had been turned into a monster? But, as I listened, intrigued by her voice, she explained that she had never felt love except for the love she had her for child. But it died so young at 2 days old that it was short lived. However, she never thought that love could find her again so she wanted to leave the cruel world that bonded her to an eternity of suffering. Then, after her rebirth (as Carlisle has so sweetly named it) she started to see clearly. Of, course she was angry at first. Why had this man been so cruel to make her live eternally with the pain of never finding true love. But after Carlisle explained the vision he had the first time he saw her; she was lost in his trance. She could not comprehend how to move, breathe, or blink. All she could do is stare into his eyes and forever feel home. She was finally home. Home in her heart/his heart. Home for the first time in her life with a heart full of love, and at last that love was returned by someone else. At that very moment they both knew this was meant to be; they were meant to be together for eternity. Since that moment they have not been apart literally (and almost physically as well). They were one, a unit, a family, and more than that they wanted me to be part of that family. A part of me was happy, I also longed for that family that they offered. But, then there was the part of me that knew I would never find what they had and seeing them daily would be a constant tormented reminder of that fact. None the less, I could not turn my back on Carlisle. Suddenly as I began to nod in agreement of this new family, my new Mother, Esme comes running toward me throwing her arms around my neck hugging me as if I were her actual long lost son. I have to admit that it felt good. I felt loved for the first time since my mother's death. No she would never replace my true mother, but I could see myself as part of her family. She then told me how Carlisle had told her so much about me that she felt as if she had known me her whole life; she felt like I had been her family forever and she hoped I would soon follow in her emotions. I said nothing but in my heart could tell she was right and I would feel the same way very soon.

April 21, 1919

Esme and Carlisle are impossible to watch. Their love is so pure that it sickens my heart. Not because I hate what they feel for each other. That could be farther from the truth. I was happy for the both of them. I know they will never be unhappy in love again. Not that they didn't have other problems to deal with but at least they had each other to lean on in times of hardship. No what was sickening was the yearning I had to also feel love. BUT, I could never wish to have that because I would never wish for someone I love to lose their soul. No one deserves to feel abandoned or alone. No one should have to deal with an eternity of wandering with no hope of finding paradise with the Savior. Even worse to be consider part of Satan's army though I didn't feel that way at all was even more tormenting. At least for now someone has a reason for existing and I am happy for that.

May 13, 1919

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, you cannot grow older, and you drink blood too. Yeah!! Another seventeenth birthday. Doomed to never grow older, never feel my age, never have wrinkles or grow old with my love swinging next to me on the porch. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. We have moved again we are in Alaska for the summer. People don't notice how cold your skin is when it isn't hot outside. Nor, do they notice how pale you are when the sun only shines a couple of hours a day. Esme and Carlisle are still as in love as ever. I wonder if some love really does last forever. For their sakes, I truly hope so. For my sake, I hope not or else not having love for a lifetime would be like being locked in a dungeon without hope of escape.

June 2, 1919

We are still in Alaska living within the Denali. Btu I had the strangest experience today. Today I could smell this sweet aroma that called me to it. It was weird one part of me was a blood thirsty murderer that couldn't resist the urge to taste the blood of whatever it was creating this smell. Another part of me yearned to smell the smell forever because it felt so warm, so inviting, like home. It is almost as if there is a battle raging inside me, fighting to see which one will win: the monster or the composer. So, as I take in this new delight, I sit down at my piano and start to play. I don't know why but from my fingers come a song, almost as if it had been written years earlier and I was just replaying it for the first time. It was slow. It was sweet. It was almost a lullaby. Where did it come from? Why couldn't I get that smell out of my mind? Why of all nights were all other thoughts erased except that smell and this sound. Torture. Torture. Hell knows no bounds to its torture.

July 15, 1919

I still play daily and always the same song. Carlisle and Esme wonder when I will stop and play their favorites again. Esme longs to hear her song again, but would dare not ask. So, tonight I broke free of my trance and played it for her. She was happy for the moment, but it was short lived. As soon as finished, I started right back on that song. The lullaby I couldn't get out of my head. When I wasn't playing it; I was humming it. It was if instead of me being the composer something inside me had taken over and was serenading me. It was so calming to my mind that all of the other's thoughts became clearer. I felt peaceful while at the same time resentful at the way I longed to devour the creature that creates the smell I cannot escape. But, I am getting stronger I hope. One day maybe I can attempt to fight whatever this is that has taken over my soul.

August 5, 1919

The illusions still continue. I still cannot play any song but hers. I still smell her; she' stuck in my mind as clear as if I was standing next to her. Yes, I said her. Don't ask me how I know but as the days have continued to linger more vivid illusions have emerged to take over my mind. The smell, if you could imagine, has gotten stronger. My thirst for it is almost impossible to bear as is my desire to take in every bit of it I can. Not that I could erase any of it from my memory; then, came this feeling of a soft tender wind brushing across my face ever so gently. At first, I threw it off as just that, a tantalizing wind. But, as the days progressed it was even most distinct. I could feel it more and more every day. First, I felt it as a wind that was so erotic that I could feel the orgasm at the surface of my every being. Then, as a touch, yes a touch as pure as the snow on the Alaskan Denali. It was a touch so inviting that I had to reach out trying to hold on to it; if only for a moment more. It is so wrong, this conflict that I have going on inside me. No normal man could endure such pain; it would kill him. The yearning for that smell and touch to take over your mind, body, and soul; then, there (the flip side of that yearning) is the rage you feel to consume your want and devour it in one bite, sucking all the life out of whatever it is that tortures you so. But, still somewhere along the way I knew it was her. The smell, the touch, the sweet aroma of her blood could be nothing else. She was the muse of my existence and the Devil Goddess of my mind. But, I was lost. I could never forget. I could never-not want whatever it is that I could feel coming.

September 11, 1919

Carlisle and Esme are concerned about me. They would never say anything but I can hear their thoughts. They think I am depressed and longing for companionship. They just do not know how right and wrong at the same time they are, but it does no good to be right or wrong. None of it can ease this pain that grows bigger every second. The uncontrollable disease that grows inside of me over taking every cell in my body is so spread out now that it is irreversible. She is as much a part of me as my arm. I do nothing without first thinking her. I have even given up trying to fight it, though I know very soon I will have to try. I cannot stand an eternity of this nightmare. I will have to find a way to forget or find a way to die, whichever comes first. If only, I could block out my thoughts. To just feel or think nothing would be such a relief. To finally be able to release the tension I feel in my very being, would be an orgasmic moment.

October 15, 1919

I have finally lost my mind. Carlisle has been working long hours. I was playing the piano thinking about the smell and her breathe when all of a sudden I felt her. Yes, it was her. I could actually feel the sweet scrumptious sensation as it entered my body and went through me like a bolt of lightning. In one instance, I was the monster and the lover of a stranger all at the same time. How can that be? How could you want to destroy something that you wanted so badly? Her touch called to me, and I was gone. I could escape it no longer. It was a constant reminder of what I could not have, what I would never have, what I could never wish to have – love, passion, happiness. But, still I cannot escape it, she is everywhere. I still hear the cries of the strangers around me. Their thoughts are much clearer than in the past. Maybe soon I can find a way to use that to my advantage to maybe suppress these yearning these senses that have awaken in me. One thing is for sure since she has become a haunting part of my life I can definitely harness the thoughts of others and separate them, and mold them to my needs. I can even find the thoughts of things that I need to know almost as easily as scanning the forest for my next meal. It is as if she is there parting the clouds into a clear meadow of thoughts laid out like a field of flowers waiting for me to pick whichever bouquet I find appealing for that day. BUT, still she tortures my every being; just the thought of it as I put it on paper is agonizing.

November 10, 1919

I have finally given in to the insanity of it all. I am totally, completely, and irrevocably gone. My mind is a slave to her. Tonight was the first night that I actually saw her face. I was shocked. It wasn't that she wasn't beautiful because she was breath-taking. I guess I just never expected it to be so clear. It is torture just to remember it now. I can feel her touch, her kiss, her breath on my face still. I was playing her song when all of a sudden she was there: her breathe, that tantalizing aroma that is her, and then I felt that inviting touch calling me. So, I turned and there before me was the one, the soul being of my lust, my muse. She was as clear as a rose blooming in the spring. When as suddenly as she had appeared, she was gone. I was torn. I didn't know if I wanted to run after the illusions or stay and pray that I could stand at all without the thought of it in my mind. I was frozen. Where was she? Why had she shown me the thing I wanted most but could never have? Now, I knew I was doomed to an eternity of searching for something. Something that was lost to me. It was mine and I wanted it back. Even though, I had never actually owned or even had it; she was mine and I would spend every second of my being trying to find it again. Hell is an awful place.

December 1, 1919

I must be possessed because whatever she is; she has taken over my very existence. I have got to break free of this war that rages within me. I am totally trapped in her grasp. She is in control and I for a moment- for that wonderful grand moment, a moment so heavenly that I would wish to stay in it forever I was with her, but therein lays the problem. It did end, and now I cannot stand not having the moment any longer. The realization that it wasn't real is too much for my mind. I cannot sleep so dreaming is impossible; it had to be real. I had to actually experience this erotic moment, or else I had to be completely possessed by some demon that found humor in torturing me. But, none the less before I set out on my journey to forget- I must leave witness to the experience. It was just too good to lose forever. It all started tonight. Esme and Carlisle had gone to the theatre. Yes, they still acted like young lovers. Anyway, I was again playing her song. As if I was playing for her to sleep. Then suddenly, her smell was so strong that my senses stood on end. I could immediately feel her breathe on the back of my neck. She was breathing ever so calmly and slowly, but I couldn't stop myself from inhaling in shock at the sensations that were being aroused in my inner being. Then, I felt it. Her touch; it was so inviting. (Even though it took all of me not to turn and destroy it in one swift bite) I had become accustomed to her smell and things that I almost didn't want them in a monstrous way, but not her touch that was too close. Still I sat and continued to play as if someone else inside me had taken over and wouldn't let me move or stop. Her fingers ever so slowly slid across the back of my neck. I closed my eyes, but continued to play. Then, as if taunting the monster within me, she kissed my neck: gently, softly, sweetly, and sensually. Yet, still I played on. She continued the kisses across, up, down, everywhere until she reached my ear. I froze in place no sound in the room, though only for a second. I didn't won't the moment to stop, so a second later I continued her song; keeping my eyes closed. She then went to a place I thought was impossible in a daydream. She slowly wrapped her arms around my waist and held me ever so longingly. I wanted this to never stop. It was such a sensation that I could feel my non-beating heart skip a beat. Next, she took it even farther. I felt her moving around me to the side of my piano bench but facing me not the piano. She kept moving almost nudging one of my arms to drop where she instantly moved in-between my two arms and legs the whole time while I continue to play. She then slowly (so slowly) slid into me wrapping first one leg around my waist, next the other. I don't know how she did this; the movement seemed impossible. She was now fully against me. I dared not stop playing or open my eyes, I was too scared of what might happen; I never wanted to do anything to make this feeling go away. Then, the moment I had yearned for came; she kissed my mouth. The taste was like melted sugar (the sweetest taste imaginable). I just absorbed every sensation and dared not to stop playing. Then, either the lust or the hunger was too strong I could take it no more. I wrapped my arms around the sensation and turned to lay it on the floor where I could devour it in an erotic display of love making no one had ever seen or experienced or maybe I'd wanted to devour the temptress so she could plague me no more- ah, to taste that sweet crimson magic. The latter I knew I would have instantly regretted, probably for an eternity. However, it mattered not for I was too late. Reality had returned she was gone. AND!!! I was tortured even more. I didn't know what to do. I had to do something I had to have her. I would have her, if it took an eternity to find her; I would and when I did, I would destroy her for making me want her so much.

January 1, 1920

I am an empty shell. I only thought I was in hell before. Now I truly knew hell. I can no longer feel her, see her, or even smell her. I try God knows I try, but nothing. It is like I scared her away with my attack on her advances. But, now she is nowhere. No one could imagine the hell of knowing exactly what you want, coming within seconds and inches away from getting it, and then realizing that it was all a dream- a fog that had quickly cleared so that the blinding light could shine through and blind you with the truth. I told Carlisle and Esme we had to move. I could no longer stay where her memory was; they of course agreed- though they found my intrigue with my imaginary love a bit insane. They would do anything to keep me from my pain. I really am very lucky in some ways.

February 14, 1920

This is Carlisle and Esme's first real Valentine's Day together. The last was impossible to celebrate for she was in too much pain. She still has to stay in the backgrounds and balconies of the public to control her thirst for human blood, but she is getting much better at it. She and Carlisle truly are a perfect match. They left today, however, so they could be away from the world and all that tempted her to give into the monster within her. Carlisle has not told her where they are going it is a surprise. However, I had to be in on the plans since I had to take care of many of the arrangements for him. Carlisle has purchased and island (very small and secluded) that is a perfect place for two lovers to unleash their passion for each other (especially if that passion is incredibly unpredicted and destructive). She will be so happy, and I will not have to endure the heartache of hearing about every moment in their thoughts the next day. Ah, there go my thoughts again. I vowed to never think of that cursed muse again. She still haunts my very soul, if I allow her to. I am getting much better of dealing with ways to distract myself lately however. I have been attending school. I find that if I throw myself into learning any and everything that I can my mind stays occupied. Of course any mention of love or want, and she poops right back up to haunt me more. The experience is still so indescribable and painfully clear in my memory. But, now I have lent myself to trying to hate the muse that help me harness the powers of the demon within me.

March 13, 1920

Time seems unmoving lately. I do not know what has come over me. But, I have learned how to turn off my emotions a little better. I guess it could be the fact that no matter how many different people's minds or how many different thoughts I hear from those minds; they stay fundamentally the same. Money, sex, love, social stature, usually all internally egotistical and almost always they are the underlying theme of all minds. I have to say that it has become very boring and almost irritating. I find myself loathing people I don't even know simply because of their thoughts. I hope my new found emotions do not mean that the monster within me is taking over. But, I now feel myself thinking in terms of those humans, or us vampires. GOD, what am I becoming? No, God won't answer that because he has nothing to do with what has happened to me. That is all together another being and there is nothing good about him.

April 22, 1920

I am becoming as cold at heart as I am in the flesh. I feel nothing for anyone or anything around me, with the exception of Carlisle and Esme. They are still my family and their happiness and love toward me are the only thing that keep me grounded and in touch with the human side of myself. I will not be the monster that I am doomed to become because I will not make Carlisle un-proud of me. I see in his thoughts how happy my vegetarianism makes him. I would never again tarnish that image if I could help it. As for the muse, I hardly ever bring her to mind. She is a part of me that still lingers, but now more like an old sketch that is worn and crinkled. I have placed her in the file of human dreams way in the back of my head. I hope she never resurfaces; I do not think I could control the monster within if she did. I would destroy anything around just to escape that old pain and torment. However, this new emotion of unfeeling makes me tire of all things that hold me still. I do not enjoy writing in my journal as I once did. I once used it for a way to keep the memories I now wish to forget. I still enjoy playing but now I only play composition of old composers. I have no new compositions of my own. The composer in me is lonely and lost; his muse has left him empty and without a purpose. SO, he sleeps waiting for a new inspiration. I hope it never comes; I do not want to feel. I like the emptiness I have now. It is so much better than the pain and longing. We are moving again when they return, I think a change is good. I tire of Alaska and the thoughts of the villagers have become suspicious.

May 1920

No entries

June 1920

No entries

July, August, September, October, November, December ……….

3


	2. Chapter 2: My Extended Family

Chapter 2: My Extended Family

July 14, 1978

Oh my, I cannot believe I found this. I was and am a pitiful lost cause. We have moved several times since I last wrote down anything of consequence. So, many things have happened that I do not know where to start. We have just arrived back in Alaska knowing we would be safe from recognition after 58 years because either the people here were too young to remember us or they never met us. Living in secluded mountain valleys does limit your neighbors. But, I never expected to find this old friend. I have been reading through it for hours, disgusted at my weakness. Anyway I guess the best place to start (or maybe the worse in Rosalie's case) is the fact that my family has grown.

1st Addition: My sister Rosalie

Somewhere in-between now and then Carlisle thought that I needed a companion. So, he took it among himself to find one for me. Yeah, that didn't work out to well for him. One night many years ago Carlisle and I came across a young girl (most beautiful I had seen no doubt) whom someone had left for dead. She had been battered and abused in a way that no human or animal even should ever have been treated. Carlisle tried to save her but there was no way he could do this. So, looking at her beauty he and Esme took among themselves to have her join our family. I mean what were they thinking, what if she didn't want to be saved. She seemed so unwilling to fight for life; maybe death was what she wanted. Carlisle really needs to stop playing God. (I am ashamed of myself for thinking that way, but cannot help it.) Doesn't he think 3 souls with no hope of redemptions are enough for one home? Anyway, they figured that even with all my disagreement she might grow on me in time and maybe I could find a little of what they had themselves. Boy, they could not have been farther from the truth. Her name we found out after a week or two is Rosalie. She was a much conceded young vamp that was obvious considered the most beautiful girl in town. She had been engaged to a very wealthy man who was eventually the one to cause her torment. He and his friends had violated her in ways that they should have been punished for forever. If I had been close enough to hear their thoughts I would have taken care of that myself. But, she did that herself after she gained control of herself. But, as for Rosalie and I there is and never will be any love connection. Neither she nor I want it even though she hates me for not being as dumbfounded by her beauty as every other guy she had ever met. I find her vanity so distasteful and appalling. She finds my sarcasm just as annoying. So, we learned to agree to be family but sister and brother is all there will ever be.

2nd Addition: Emmett my brother-in-law

Next years later Rosalie was hunting in the forest near one of the mountains villages we have lived in when she found something to amuse her fancy. There in the woods was a man whom had taken among himself to pick a fight with a bear. She was caught off guard at first but then she was aroused. He was such a beautiful display of masculine expression. He had the face, the muscles, the voice, the ambition, and the nerve that she found so appealing. She instantly wanted him. Then, to her horror she found that the bear was more a match for him than he had thought. There he lay mangled and almost dead. She couldn't just let him die. So she took him. She carried far into the forest to a cave where she led him into his journey to the world of the undead. He unlike her loved the new found power he felt once he gained some control. He was a show off and a goof. He was a protector and a hunter; this new lifestyle fit him to a tee. AND as for Rosalie, he was a normal man and found her just as irresistible as every other man in the world, and she found him adorable. They of course have been inseparable ever since. Esme and Carlisle even built them a house because they could not control their lust and passion. Emmett was a very destructive power, and being in an uncontrollable moment of passion meant that he destroy things much by accident but destroyed just the same. They would surface from time to time, but they were gone more than here for about a decade. However, unlike Rosalie, I found Emmett a welcome addition to the family. He was funny, free and never judged. He was a big brother that anyone would love to have. We were close almost instantly. It was almost as if I got chances to revisit parts of my childhood that I had missed (the wrestling around, fighting, arm wrestling, etc.) He was a great distraction from my land of the empty emotion. Finally after a while I felt that I could come out of the shell and enjoy parts of my existence again.

Oh well, it is time for school. I will write more maybe later. It was cool to find this journal after so many years. But, I had forgotten how tormented I had been all those years ago; not that human thoughts have changed much. But, I have become an expert on almost everything in the time I have had to not sleep. So I keep myself busy.

Years later…..

October 18, 1995

We have moved several more times, but this time I kept the journal with me. I have kept several other than this one but for some reason I find that I am called to finish my logging of other family additions together. Since I do not but a few more pages in this journal, I better hope these last two additions are the last.

3rd & 4th Addition: Alice and Jasper (adopted into the family sister and brother-in-law)

A few weeks ago we had surprise at our home. A young lady and her other half knocked on the door. As we opened the door, the young lady comes in and starts bouncing around like she lived there. We were taken for a loop. We could obviously tell they were like us. I could hear them coming (their thoughts anyway) She was definitely special. I had heard her thoughts and she thought she was moving in to our home with her husband. She had a special gift that I found intriguing- she could see into the future. Not everything and not unchanging definite things, but things still the same. She had seen in one of her visions that she and Jasper would be finding us and becoming part of our family. She was so bubbly and happy. So content with herself and what she was; how could that be? But, that was explained as well. She couldn't remember any human thoughts. She could see the future, but the past was a blank. She could not remember anything; that is why she had no regrets. Of course, this vision, of us all being a family was correct and unchanging. Almost instantly we all felt calm and loved her. I am now closer to her than any of the rest. I do not know if it because we both have special gifts or because she is like the sister I never had but always wanted or because she was my polar opposite. But whatever it was I loved her, as did everyone else. Even Rosalie loved her, she was home.

As for Jasper, he was another story all together. He was an older vampire whom had followed the wrong road at first and helped to start an army of bloodsucking, human devouring brothers for his creator back during the Civil War. He also has a special gift, which may be one of the reasons that we all got along so greatly the first day we all met. He could control the emotions in the room. He was a calmer. But, this in itself was as much a curse to him as being a cursed creature was to me. He could feel other people's emotions as well: pain, torment, love, contentment, resentment, anger, horror- all of it. He was in so much pain, I hated that I couldn't help him. But, like Alice, Jasper was almost immediately accepted into the family. He fit in well. He and Emmett were so competitive and close. I didn't quite enjoy their romps as much, when you can see their next move every time it is quite a challenge. But, still Jasper's stories entertained me and he was very easy to talk to about things. But, he had another problem as well. He had tasted flesh many more times than the rest of us. He longed for it and could hardly control the desire to taste it again. But, he like me didn't want to stay "the monster"; he wanted to have some sense of peace and dignity left for him. He was miserable now with human flesh to ease his hunger, but he was more content than when he let the monster loose. But, he had Alice; she was his peace. I could see in his thoughts that he would have followed her anywhere, and he would do anything to stay with her. Because no matter how much he desired anything else; he desired her much more. She felt the same for him. They like Esme and Carlisle were perfectly matched. She with no past; and he with a past he could forget. They meshed as one unit that functioned together only and wouldn't survive apart.

Now my family is complete. I have so much to be thankful for in them. We have all become so close. When you cannot confide in outsiders, your family becomes your crutch, your leaning stone to hold you up in the storm. And, I could sense there were plenty more storms to come. But, for now we were one unit, one clan, A FAMILY.

November 1, 2002

My family grows closer every day. We go to school together. We live together. We hunt together. We are definitely now a united unit. We also love each other unconditionally. We do have differences don't get me wrong, but what family doesn't. However, in the end we know that no matter what, the family sticks together and we protect each other to whatever extremes we have to go. We all have so many things that are helpful to our unit. Carlisle has his unique ability to heal and consol. Esme is the motherly protectorate of the clan, making sure we all have what we need and usually want. Rosalie's beauty has gotten us out of many situations that could have ended badly if she hadn't made the questioners so intoxicated in her beauty. Emmett was the protector and charm that we all needed to keep us in good spirits always looking on the bright side. Not to mention, he usually could control Rosalie and her temper when she didn't get her way, but, never going against his love of course. Alice was the glue and rationale that held it all together. She had helped us out of many seriously bad situations with her foresight. She kept me here, also. I loved her; she made me feel needed and wanted and like my eternal life might have a purpose after all. However, her never ending cheer and foresight into the future was sometimes annoying. (Especially during a chess game) She found pleasure in the fact that she was the only one I could not always beat. It was so cute and sweet. Jasper was the brotherly figure that encompassed brotherly love. He had also helped us in many confrontation (as well as hunting trips) with his ability to calm and sedate our confronters or prey. Then, me of course, my ability to read minds had been helpful on occasion as well, but usually it was used as a way to communicate where no one else in the family would hear. (Alice asking if Jasper was okay)(Emmett asking if Jasper was going to jump him when he entered a room for a rematch in wrestling) (You know important stuff).

But, now we are moving again. I guess it for the best. This place grows boring more a more by the day. However, we are going back to a place Carlisle owns in the United States. He has lived there twice. Carlisle, Esme, and I also lived there for a short while many years ago, until the wolves became a problem (that's another story all together). But, enough time has passed and the treaty still stands so Carlisle thinks it would be safe to return. I am not so sure. I have an uneasy feeling about Forks. I do not know where this uneasiness is coming from and Alice only smiles when I ask her what she sees. She will only comment that this move will be beneficial to me, whatever that means. However, I feel as if some old torment is lying in the murky sea of my mind waiting to resurface. Anyway, we leave tomorrow and this is the last page of this journal, so I might as well end there. I will have to wait and see what surfaces in Forks.

1


	3. Chapter 3:A Storm is COming

Chapter 3: A Storm is Coming

_Author notes for Chapter 3: Time has passed, and Edward has started a new journal. The Cullens are still living in Forks. I am sure there were many more entries and journals in-between Chapter 2 and 3, but this is my day and night dreams and I cannot make them flow they just do. _

June 10, 2004

Weirdness is afoot. Alice sees something coming I can tell by the way she constantly tries to think of something else every time she is around me. I would ask her but what would be the use. If I have learned anything over the last few years, it is that when Alice wants you to know something she will tell you and when she doesn't you can forget. But, still I cannot help but feel a little uneasy about the secrecy. The only other few times she has hidden things from me was to keep me from fleeing off somewhere to escape my future she sees coming. She thinks she knows what is best for me, but sometimes I wonder if she just doesn't like to see me torture every now and then. Either way, Alice is not the only one with secrets lately. I too have a secret feeling of something approaching. I cannot say what it is but it feels like a storm is approaching. I have the feeling in my mind like an athlete's old injure on days that an impending storm is approaching. I guess I will just have to wait and see what comes.

July 25, 2004

Yeah. Another year of high school comes up soon, way too soon in my opinion. I start another year in a couple of weeks. I know it is necessary but coming up with ways to entertain myself comes few and far between. When you know all the answers from years of experience or else you can see the answers in the heads of your professors what is the use of even going; save to keep your family of vampires from being discovered. We keep to ourselves and pretty much stay together. Most people are afraid of us: whether it is because we are so beautiful, or because we are so intimidating. Their thoughts are of intrigue but fear all in one. It amuses me some to listen to them fear me all while wanting me at the same time, even though I would never give them the time of day they are all way to shallow and simple for my taste. OR, maybe I just don't want to let them awake the sleeping monster within me. Either way there is no appeal there.

July 26, 2004

Something is wrong. I do not know why but I know something is coming and it will bad. I just feel like an impending doom is approaching. What is wrong with me? Alice sees the future, not me. I read minds and nothing in the ones I see lately give me any reason to feel this way. I really am insane.

August 14, 2004

First day of school, not much different from the many other thoughts around with the exception of the thought on every mind today- they are such drama gossip queens- a new student will be starting Forks High soon. I guess no one new has been admitted to Forks High since we came to town many, many months ago. The new student is the Sheriff's daughter; her new is Isabella Swan. Hum… pretty name, but I still don't see the big deal, just another pixie for the fairy garden of adolescent drool school. Someone to make a big deal about until the next new thing comes along. I am sure she will eat up the attention for at least the few days. Good now that gets the attention off of us. No more lustful fantasies about the Cullens or angry jealous thoughts about how they wished we would go back where we came from in Alaska, back to our Ivy League Prep School. Anyway at least she will make for entertainment for a few days, while I try to keep busy for the day. GOD, I wish I could sleep- school would definitely be the place for that sleeping. Wow, here I am damned to an eternity without God and yet I still pray to him. I am a lost cause. However, if I do still get to redeem my soul then having to endure all of this monotony should account for something.

August 24, 2004

Shit, I have to get out of here. Where do I go? How fast can I get there? I have to go, and I have to go now. I must get away from here. Why? Why now? Why is she here now? Everything was so content so almost normal. Then, she has to come into my world. It's her. I know it's her, the Muse. I can feel it just like the experience happened yesterday. Except now all I wanted to do was destroy her. Why of all people was it her thoughts that I could not read? That matters not, I have to go now. I must get away from here before I put my family in danger. Alaska. Yes, Alaska is far enough away. Now, I have to go tell Carlisle and Esme buy, even though I can read that Alice has already informed them that I must take my leave. She always knows how to make things so much easier for me. I sure will miss them, especially her.

August 25, 2004

Here in Alaska things are not much easier. I still do not know what to do. Thinking back on yesterday is a horror. What had happened to me? I mean really? Here I sit hundreds of miles away from my family because some new human had appealed to me. No, not appealed to me; she intoxicated me. She made every muscle and nerve in my body ache to have her. How dare she come into my boring almost human world; and make me want her so bad! Oh God though how she appealed to me!!! I never wanted to consume a prey so much in my life. She was addictive and I longed for a fix. I was worse than the soldiers who begged for morphine to end their pain during the Civil War. Just to think there at lunch yesterday I had wanted to know her thoughts. I actually wanted for a moment to protect her from the thoughts of those around her. I myself thought there was some reason she needed protection from things other than me. Then, she came and her scent. AHHH. Her scent, it called to me. I was no longer Edward Cullen. I was a monster in the wakes of a sure incoming catastrophe. I had come so close. So close to ruining everything my family had worked for over a hundred years to protect. But, her scent; I can't think straight. I want her. I want to devour every last drop of her. Then, she could torment me no more. And, how could this be. How could my muse be here or there now in the flesh? How could she show up and actually exist and how could she be so uncontrollably desirable? I have to think about something else. I have to get myself together. She is human after all; a petty superficial human, just like all the rest. There was nothing special about her, so why then can I not get her out of my head. I am so sicken by the plan I had managed to come up with so fast in my head. How had I been so easily conformed back into the monster that I fought so long to destroy? How could I instantly from one magnificent scent become that hideous beast ready to pounce on the whole school no matter what the consequence? I am so disgusting. I actually could have and would have destroyed a whole classroom of innocent people just to taste her. Why, why, why me?

August 28, 2004

It has been a couple of days. I still loathe everything about that human. She should not exist. She never should have been created. She should never have come to Forks. She had ruined my little sense of peace. She had attacked to saneness within me. I hated her. But, I would not let her win. She would not be the ruin of me. I was stronger than that; I could control myself and I would not let any human no matter how tantalizing they were make me a monster. I did not want to be a monster. I did not want to kill harmless humans. I would not let her, whoever she is, come and take away everything I had worked for (my family had worked to protect). I would not let her; there was no way she would control me. However, no matter how bad I wanted to not let her win. She was in fact winning. Listen to me, I sound like she actually meant to torment me this way. But, how do I know she didn't. Maybe she was supernatural as well. Maybe she existed to torment me. Yes, that's it. That's why I couldn't hear her thoughts. She was my tormentor, not my muse after all- she was instead my anti-muse. All those years ago, the visions were to torture me in a pleasurable way. They were a warning and the impending danger ahead. AND, to think I actually longed for her, moved for her. I was an idiot. She was meant to be the death of me, but I would not let that happen. No, NO, NNNOOOO. That can't be; she was so fragile, so unaware. She was shy, stand-offish, and out of the loop. There is no way that this pitiful human knew what she was doing to me. I am blaming her for something that is not her fault. But, my undue blame is uncontrollable. I still hated her for making me want her so bad. She was the kiss of death; and I had to cheat dead somehow. But, how do I do this?

August 29, 2004

Tonight should have been humorous but I could not think of anything funny right now. Tanya was right. AWE, Ah, Tanya. She is an indescribable beauty. I must be a fool. Just to remember the thought she was thinking about me makes me want to blush. They way we were united as one, mingled together with an intensity that would blow with a force stronger than Pompeii's eruption. She was on top of me gliding her wet well toned body over my manhood like I was her heaven and she was home. She looked so lovely, but yet I could not see myself there with her. I know it was me she was fantasizing about, but I did not even with the mental picture feel that I belonged in the image. Even though, I knew it pained her for me to feel that way; I had to tell her the truth. It would have been so much easier to just give myself to her with thought to her feelings. Maybe then I would not be thinking of her every second of the day and night. I would have at least had a few hours, nights, maybe days of distraction before I had to hurt her again. But, Tanya deserved better than that; even with all the bad she had done in the past. She deserved happiness, not lies. I hated that she tortured herself because of my rejection. Anyway, she had been right. She usually was, but this time she was right about me. I was leaving. I am "a confusion" to myself. Here I am with a beautiful woman no man should be able to resist- that wants me and only me, and all I can do is think of her face. True there had never been a woman that I had wanted; I mean I bet there had never existed a 100 plus year old virgin anywhere in the world. But, here I was a moral contradiction, a soulless being that was concerned about sinning by taking lust on- head on. But, still Tanya was not the one that consumed my thoughts and no matter how much I wish I had taken the situation into a different direction if only to distract my thoughts; I could not use Tanya that way, for I felt nothing for her but friendship. BUT, she did make me uncomfortable. She was right. AND, I did need to go. Alaska, as grand as it is, was not helping, and Tanya was right. I appreciated her for reminding me. I was not a coward. I did handle things head on. I was brave and did face my problems. I would not let this anti-muse keep me from where I wanted to be anymore. I was going home. And, I better hurry. Alice would be getting everyone ready for my return. I did miss that smile. I can't wait to see them all. So, I am off. Plus, there was the hunting I had to do to get myself even close to ready to face my anti-muse.


	4. Chapter 4: The Tides are Turning

Chapter 4: The Tides Have Turned

August 30, 2004

This morning was awful. Poor Jasper, had he felt this way when we hovered over him in protection. They were so annoying. I know they were only looking out for me, but had I looked/been that weak before I left? Surely they had to have some confidence left in me. After all, I am older than all of them. I have controlled myself much longer than they have in the past. That should account for something after all. Anyway, I proved them all wrong. I could handle it; just like I thought. I could face my torment head on, and I could conquer it. I was in charge after all. However, why couldn't I hear her thoughts? She was perplexing. Why did I want to protect her, why hadn't she said anything to anyone about last week, and why did I think of nothing else but her? It was so irritating. I don't like it. I can't stand it. I am so angry at myself. I promised I would not let the fact that I could not hear her thoughts make me want to know everything I could about her. Yet, here I am basically stalking her every move. I scan every thought for her name. I search every mind to see what she might say. Or was there more to it than that, was there something to this girl, this human that made her different from the rest (besides my inability to hear her thoughts) Nope just my curiosity, did not curiosity kill the cat? Well, too late I have to know more. I am not sure why that is, except for the fact that her mind makes no sound, but her eyes speak in volumes. How could that be? How could she say so much with her eyes- her wide open eyes- but never say a thing with her mind? No, she had to be thinking; I was just shielded from those thoughts, and I couldn't stand it. Did she see me in the same lustful way that all the other human girls did, that would be expected, or was there more to this girl? There had to be more, after all, she had kept her mouth shut about last week, and I had obviously scared her to death. She wouldn't have asked Jessica if I looked mad had she not been scared! Why did I have to know? It was so careless of me. I should not push my limits so far, but I am so curious. I have to know more about this wonder, this mystery named Bella. But, would my curiosity be enough to keep her alive? I sure hope so. Either way I had to be careful, I had already made several mistakes today. Not being able to read her mind was a problem. She was much more observant than I had anticipated; making my unnecessary curiosity very dangerous to us all, even (especially) her. First, I had to be care that the things I said did not come from conversations that she had with someone else; things I would only know if I had been there. She was keen on noticing that I knew she liked to be called Bella, but that was an easy fix to get out of- next time might not be so easy. And, also, she was not only a very unusual human in the sense that I couldn't read her thoughts, but she was also- in a sick sort of cat playing with his mouse before it eats kind of way- funny; had she actually thought today that she was smarted than me. Like, I, Edward Cullen, straight A in everything, smarted than the teachers, older too, would ever get something wrong, especially in Biology. But, I had thought the same of her I guess. I am being unfair. I am letting my thirst cloud my sane judgment; she was so fragile, so unaware of the danger she was in all the time, from the people surrounding her, especially from me. How could she not be afraid to be near me? She really was a very intriguing human after all. Stop it Edward- get it out of your mind. You are a danger to her, to your family, and to yourself. Get your head together; use that 70 years of self-control to your advantage- stay away from her. I mean she had already (a first I might add) noticed my eyes changed color. After these whole two years, how could this girl be the one to notice that; I have sat near plenty of people in this school some in several different classes, but it only took this human two days to notice that my eyes were a different color. And, my idiotic self told her I didn't wear contacts. Why hadn't I been thinking? If I had just said yes, there would nothing to worry about. But- nooooo- I had to answer quickly and say no. Why did I feel like I had to speak the truth to this girl? Why did I not want to lie to her like I did every other human that asked me anything? She was no different. Except that I could not stop thinking about her, could not stop seeing her face in every direction that I look (even when she was not there), and could not stop making her more and more beautiful every time I think of her. Oh my God, what am I saying? But, still it made me unhappy to know she was unhappy here. It made me even more remorseful when I learned through our conversation that she was more unlike the other humans than I had thought. She was selfless; she cared more about other people's feelings than her own. How could I even think about harming something so pure? I have to stay away from her; I do not know if the human part of me could with stand the torment if I hurt this girl. And the fact that she actually thought that she was easy to read made me want to laugh out loud. Easy to read- not. She had to be the only human in the whole world that I could not read like an open book. But, she was right. She was much older than her years; much like myself she aged without aging. This is another aspect that draws me in; I must really stop talking to her and stay away before I get in over my head. What am I saying? I am already in way over my head. Part of me wishes she would just go back to where ever she came from, and the other part of me thinks it would follow her if she did? What was wrong with me? I am such a fool. To think that I had let myself get so involved with this girl; so intrigued with Bella Swan that Alice had actually ditched class because she saw me trying to kill her. No- I could not, would not let my interest grow. I could not want Bella Swan. Anyway, another subject, but it wasn't really. Carlisle was right. I need to leave; it was only two years. I should leave her to her future. But, why did that pain me so. One more time is all I need. Just to give into my curiosity one more time. I can even set up my disappearance for the rest of the family. I think the excuse of going to an Ivy League bordering school so I can get a better education would be enough of a reason to dismiss any questions. But, even now I see myself making excuses as to why I should stay. This is really going to be hard; and I hate that I cannot not see why that is the case.

August 31, 2004

Today started out rather grim; and only got worse for Bella Swan that is; me I am now completely and totally a lost cause. I could not leave, should not stay, but am not going anywhere. I could not go now even if I wanted to go. Alice and her stupid visions would be the death of me. First, this morning she confuses the hell out of me- showing me the meadow with shadow people. Really a strange site I must add. Then, she makes me feel guilty for wanting- no needing- to leave. Then, I was even madder at myself for hating to be the only one alone in my family without a perfect partner. Next, I realize that I am no longer the center of my world; instead now my world revolved around Bella. Then, the worse thing of all and at the same time the only thing that I was actually proud of doing since the girl arrived happened; I saved her life. Why did I do that? My troubles would be over if she were gone. I would have no more pain. That's a lie; I would have been pained for eternity if I had not saved her. I, somehow, was now her protector; how sick. The biggest threat to this girl was me, and here I am thinking that I was going to be her protector. I really am an oxymoron. But, there was no way I would have let Bella get crushed by that van, no way I would allow her to be taken out of this world. She belonged here, more so than any other human in existence. She was pure and honest and kind and beautiful. Shut up Edward, you don't know what you are saying. To think that I actually had no concern for myself or my family during the rescue attempt was a quiz to me. Why was she so much more important than my own existence; it made no sense. But, still the way her skin felt as I held her there; my arms wrapped around her waist. It still makes me feel a swell with heat and intensity that should never cross my mind about another human. No, this could not happen. I would not want to have this girl; this ordinary human (who wasn't so ordinary after all). But, no matter what I felt, I now had to worry. She had seen too much. Why did she have to be the human that sees everything; when in her I could see nothing? I know she says she will not say anything; and somehow I know she won't. But, Jasper could always change his mind. No he would not do that. Alice's vision of it being me that would destroy her (one way or another) would be enough to contain him. Rosalie would not press her will against Carlisle either. But, still now I am stuck with the assurance that it will be me that destroys the girl. No, that will not be. I will change Alice's vision. I will not kill this girl and devour every last drop of her oh so delicious blood; nor would I destroy her life by turning her into one of us. She would not lose her life because of me. I would leave, run far from here where I could not cause either of these things to happen. I only had to be strong long enough for everyone to lose their suspicions. I only had to turn off my emotions long enough for her to think I didn't care at all. That would be easy enough considering I have practiced it for over 70 years. But, no I could not do that either. Alice was right. I did not have the will power to leave now. I could not even see me leaving. But, the pain was too intense to imagine taking her life in either way that Alice had envisioned it. Oh God, I ask in all that is holy, please do not let me harm this girl. I know I have no right to ask this favor. You owe my nothing; the monster that I am, I have accepted my fate of an eternity damned to hell. But, this girl, Bella, she is pure and holds in her all things good and righteous; she does not deserve this life of eternal night or to be murderer. Help her, if not me, to stay safe. Protect her soul from the monster within me. I am going to need all the help I can get on this one. Damn me to hell.


End file.
